OH MY GOD WE JUST GOT AN XBOX 360! 

Peace out ya’ll.

forever.

jk

not for forever. 

but priorities man.

video games > everything. 

jk.

okay bye.

orr….just break my heart. Thats cool too.　

My day today…

Woke up at 4 somethin,
prayed went to work,
came home at 8:30am, fell asleep by 8:45…
was woken up by cousin an hour later, he had an emergency he needed help with…
Got done helping him at 11am
11:15- came back in time to drop brother off at school
11:30 went over to the house to pack and clean…but the garage door wouldn’t open and I never use the key so I didn’t have it with me. I spent 20 mins trying to open the door, it didnt work. Even asked my neighbor…
11:50- Came back home, looked for keys, Started going back to the house, forgot my phone back at home…so WENT BACK…got my phone and drove back to my parents house…opened the house, and something smelled REALLY gross. Like a cat died or something…went to the garage to see what happened, found out electricity was out… And we still had a fridge in the garage with some food in it that was frozen…everything leaked out and got spoiled. I was only able to smell it, because it was too dark for me to go inside and check it out. It was also too dark so I couldnt even see the pully thing to disengage the garage so I can manually open it.  It smelled SO BAD I was going to throw up. I was so scared something had just exploded in there or something. 
12- I was just on the floor of my room crying straight for 20 mins….cuz one after another everything was just a MESS. I fix one thing, and something else falls apart. ugh.
For the next twoish hours i just tried calling a bunch of ppl trying to figure out things….then went home, threw up… and got help, so I can clean out the garage.
2-4- Mopped out garage, threw out stuff, took trash to another dumpster, went back home, and got ready for the other shift of work
Got off at work at 8, right before that someone called me and yelled at me about a bunch of stupid stuff…so the whole ride home I was pissed and crying, and ya.

Now Im home. Trying to be positive. 

Need a good game plan for tomorrow, so I can hustle and get stuff done. No more crying…hopefully. 

in the past couple days, I have already spent more than 　500 dollars on moving, and i’m still not done! 

man….500 dollars is a good amount of money to spend on something more fun lol. 

sigh.

Every morning for the past few weeks have been the same. I get up…brush my teeth, wash my face, look at myself in the mirror and stare at a person I’m really starting to hate. Then I come back to bed, crawl up in to a ball, and cry. Every morning its an even worse mental breakdown than the one before. Im so broken, I don’t know how to fix myself. 

Missing someone so much that theres a funny feeling in my tummy. ahh I’m gonna go to bed sooo early today, its going to be laughable. 　 

A year…

A year is a really long time to be depressed. To be under constant worry…pressure…frustration. A year is a really long time to be sad, lonely, and crying to bed every night. A year is a really long time to be holding all this in, and not being able to share with anyone how i’m really feeling. A year of going to bed everyday, telling myself “tomorrow I’m gonna do something to fix this”…and waking up feeling like shit, either brought down by other people’s words, or my own mind telling me I’m worthless, and I can’t do anything. A lot of it was lack of motivation….laziness…”I already made it worse, I can’t do anything about it now”… Every time I opened the books, I closed them back up…in tears cuz I felt like I’ll forget everything. A year of planning in my head, “i’ll do this, I’ll do that…i’ll take this class, I’ll take that class…i WILL be in pharmacy school, I will get a job, I will pay off my parents debt….nothing nothing nothing nothing. I DID NONE OF THAT. It was a year of change, good and bad. A year with my parents being gone, in another country, being physically and mentally abused by their own family..everyday trying to save themselves, and everyday of me waking up hoping they’re okay wherever they are. Maybe they’ll be back next week, and everything will be okay…maybe next week…or the week after…next month? or the month after? Nope…its been over a year. Over a year of constantly worrying, and hearing others say nothing but shit, nothing but negative things….no one gave me hope, no one said they’ll be there. No one made me feel like Im not alone. But its not their fault…I’m useless as it is, I can’t depend on anyone to fix the problems I haven’t been able to figure out. I could have done so much, been somewhere so far, done somethings so amazing…but I did nothing. I slept away a very depressing one year with just worry, sadness, and more sadness. I did absolutely NOTHING. I found god, or He found me, and I started to let go of that too. I did nothing, and now I AM nothing. And I never will be anything. When people try to reassure me that I’m not useless, I don’t know what to say…don’t know how to tell them that I really am. That I have done nothing to help my parents… I’ve just laid here, depressed, and drowning, day after day after day. 

And now that someone wants to save me…I don’t know how to let him. 

i dont know if i wanna give up and not live anymore because i’m hurting…or if I’m just a stupid coward…or if I really just feel useless, a waste of space, and nothing but a failure. 

I really am useless tho. 

going to bed…

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

I keep repeating it over and over again, I can feel the tears…but I dont wanna cry. Not tonight. 

i’m tired of putting up a strong front…and pretending like nothing is wrong, and I can handle everything. I wanna show how weak I really am….and maybe someone will notice…and maybe someone will see how broken I am, and care enough to give me a hug, let me cry, and tell me everything will be okay. And just maybe they’ll be there for me until everything is okay again. I just need to cry out loud to someone. 

Took pics around the house :)

I think we have veggies growing in there somewhere….

These flowers are slowly dying :( az heat!

Green peppers and jalapeno’s growing in the backyard! yes!

I looveee…

driving with my windows down…
putting my hand out the window to feel the breeze
feeling it on my face
hearing the sound of my car when I change gears/speed up
blasting some good music
going over the speed limit (safely) 

and then all of that happiness comes to a halt when some asshole makes a left turn WITHOUT STOPPING when its still green for me, and I have to come to screeching stop almost hitting him even tho I was going 40, and he was trying to do 60….what the actual eff.

alhumdullilah everythings okay.

goodnight folks.