In my own world

injured my neck last wednesday, and had to get a neck brace from the urgent care, had to go to physical therapy.. and all these pain meds…it was REALLY bad, but i instantly forgot about all of it as soon i saw my crazy family…love them!

I think this week I just sort of had to take a step back and realize what kind of person I have been my whole life, and what kind of person I’m going to have to force myself to be. I was the caring one, cared about everyone and everything. Trusted sometimes too easily specially if its family. Even after all the shit I went through in life, i NEVER gave up on people. Family meant every thing to me. I think I looked past a lot of people’s mistakes, simply because I had the ability to unconditionally love people. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing tho, it kept me happier knowing I love people, knowing I don’t hold grudges, knowing I can forgive, and sometimes forget. But the past two years was a real test to my strength, and patience. Although i can’t STILL forgive….I have lost the ability to really just FORGET. I have lost trust in people, I have lost that core feeling of just being able to LOVE without reason. And maybe thats not a bad thing either….Its better to take your time when trusting people, but its also okay sometimes to give people a chance. Its never okay to be walked all over though…its never okay to let people take advantage of you over and over again, its never okay to give someone so many chances that they destroy you. I think Ive reached a balance. I’ll give people a chance…but never too many. I’ll trust people, only after they have earned it. I will step back, and realize, that EVEN IF they are family, it is NOT worth it. They are not always worth it. People will hurt you. People will be selfish. People will destroy you. When THEY don’t look at the fact that you’re family, you need to stop worrying too. I have been hurt from all angles these past couple of years from all angles…whether it be strangers, friends, or straight up blood ties. And I know its Allah swt showing me that I’m alone in this world, only One I can count on is Him. It has been of the greatest trials, losing people in my life that i counted on, or losing trust in family members…but I think Allah swt made me strong enough to handle it. To be able to sit here and be okay with all these betrayals, all this drama, and pain, and hurt. I’m okay, I will be okay, and everything will fall in to place inshaAllah. 

The fact that its fall soon….I mean ITS FALL SOON….I’m so ecstatic right now!

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Made alu paneer curry today (cheese and potatoes) and spicy honey teriyaki beef (weird combos I know) but it was a good dinner! and then afterwards we all played card games…like cheat/bullshit and spoons…and then literally everyone splayed out on their bellies, and I went around giving them all massages, the guys fell asleep lol. They all play sports, so they’re sore from head to toe. Specially the one that plays soccer. So now my hands need the massaging lol. 

The whole time im giving everyone massages, moving from one cousin to the next, one sister in law to the next…they were talking about how they’re gonna put “massaging” on my biodata or “marriage resume” as they like to joke around. LOL they’re so silly….but really, in all seriousnes….I wish I found a guy already…my family is going CRAZY wanting me to be married. In fact one of my cousins and his wife picked out MEHENDI (henna party) songs for me. HOW RIDIC. lol. 

love them tho, alhumdullilah for such great family, and a good night of fun, food, and games. :) 

My turn to cook tonight, so I went and bought salmon….Ive made salmon before, but i dont think it was like fresh, with skin on, and so…i dont know, FRESH

I dont know what to do with it, so I figured I would just marinate it and then broil it?

but i ran out of ideas and just called up a cousin, you would think that with cooking you would call up like a mom, an aunt, or like an older GIRL cousin, not to be sexist or anything…but not in this family…in this family the younger GUYS cook the best lol. 

So looks like I’m making a teriyaki sauce for the salmon, then dipping it in breadcrumbs, baking it and making a crusted salmon dish, with roasted potatoes and carrots, and hawaiian sweet rolls on the side. BOOM..

Just got back from a Suhoor party, fluffy nutella pancakes topped with whipped cream, chocolate chip waffles with nutella and more whipped cream, french toast, cheesy scrambled eggs, and to wash it all down, an episode of suits, orange juice, and then afterwards an amazing fajr moment with the cousins….youngest one leading the prayer. MashaAllah, and Alhumdullilah. 

Sunday brunch: biscuits, mushroom and cheese omelet, and chocolate chip pancakes. yaaaaa budddyyy.

My body is just so weak. bleh. like the accident wasn’t even THAT bad, but my body ache still hasn’t gone away, things just got worse :/ but Its okay. I took all day saturday and sunday off, and away… I stayed at my cousin and sister in laws house for the weekend and let them pamper me to no end. And it felt good to lay around and talk, watch bball and eat and just be away from the busy city (they live like 45 mins away, in like a ranch/country side area). Its all just acres and acres of ranch and mountains, horses, farms, and ya…pretty nice. I tried hard not to think about upsetting things, but that didn’t work out too well. I think because I was already in a bad mood, and then the accident…every little thing really pissed me off, and it was just….blaaaahhhhh. 

But I liked spending the 2 days with them, it was a nice distraction. My cousin, the tough tough guy he his, can’t handle when his “baby cousin” is upset, so he just goes all out. Makes you wanna be sick and upset more often lol. He tried so hard to distract me…shopping, going out to eat, silly jokes, basketball game, movies… loll. Sigh. But not just him, all of the boys….i guess they got scared because i’ve gotten into a scary accident before, and they know i still get nightmares and stuff, PLUS my parents aren’t here :/ But it was entertaining to see my tough guys fuss.

when coming back home (to more cousins, cuz I live with cousins too), I was thinking I wanted butter chicken. I didn’t say anything to anyone….but guess what I came home to? Butter chicken cooking on the stove. Ya. Thats the power of family.

Now I’m gonna turn my phone off, study a lil, pray, eat, take some meds, and hit the bed. Don’t wanna talk to anyone, but I guess I will tumble, tumblr is addictive. 

Happy rest of sunday to everyone!

so uh…

My parents really wanna get me married…scratch that, entire family is after me. Theres only 2 of us girls, so all attention on US. And i’m just like, hold up, theres already someone getting married in the fam alhumdulliah, weddings in a month, can we just focus on him iA? then worry about me like 5 years later? no…infact even the cousin that IS getting married, has been on my case about getting married since highschool. I know he just wants me to be happy, but I already knowww that marriage is not for me. At least not now. Im not afraid of not finding someone thats my type, but afraid that IM NOT THEIR TYPE. Im not ANYONE’S type, I can’t picture anyone falling for me. and thats just not it, i dont know if i can ever deal with marriage. Plus i’m emotionally taken, emotionally can’t think of anyone else BUT THIS ONE PERSON. ughhhhh. Ya allah help me. Plus even if my cousins WANT to get me married, these boys are all soooo overprotective, kept me so sheltered all my life, that they disapprove of EVERY proposal that came my way. TIME TO GET REALISTIC FOLKS, i’m no princess, so you won’t find me a prince.

So I was texting one of my friends all of this stuff about no one wanting to marry me, so i’m giving up on the idea before this whole DESI MARRIAGE PROPOSAL process even starts up, and I accidently sent that entire conversation to my ENTIRE FAMILY on our group chat instead, SO NOW, all my cousins are like WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. GREAT

MY LIFE.

UGH.

not getting married.

Me: Yo, i have sim card, no phone…

Him: I have a wife, no life…i feel ya…

LOL wow.