In my own world

A year is a really long time to be depressed. To be under constant worry…pressure…frustration. A year is a really long time to be sad, lonely, and crying to bed every night. A year is a really long time to be holding all this in, and not being able to share with anyone how i’m really feeling. A year of going to bed everyday, telling myself “tomorrow I’m gonna do something to fix this”…and waking up feeling like shit, either brought down by other people’s words, or my own mind telling me I’m worthless, and I can’t do anything. A lot of it was lack of motivation….laziness…”I already made it worse, I can’t do anything about it now”… Every time I opened the books, I closed them back up…in tears cuz I felt like I’ll forget everything. A year of planning in my head, “i’ll do this, I’ll do that…i’ll take this class, I’ll take that class…i WILL be in pharmacy school, I will get a job, I will pay off my parents debt….nothing nothing nothing nothing. I DID NONE OF THAT. It was a year of change, good and bad. A year with my parents being gone, in another country, being physically and mentally abused by their own family..everyday trying to save themselves, and everyday of me waking up hoping they’re okay wherever they are. Maybe they’ll be back next week, and everything will be okay…maybe next week…or the week after…next month? or the month after? Nope…its been over a year. Over a year of constantly worrying, and hearing others say nothing but shit, nothing but negative things….no one gave me hope, no one said they’ll be there. No one made me feel like Im not alone. But its not their fault…I’m useless as it is, I can’t depend on anyone to fix the problems I haven’t been able to figure out. I could have done so much, been somewhere so far, done somethings so amazing…but I did nothing. I slept away a very depressing one year with just worry, sadness, and more sadness. I did absolutely NOTHING. I found god, or He found me, and I started to let go of that too. I did nothing, and now I AM nothing. And I never will be anything. When people try to reassure me that I’m not useless, I don’t know what to say…don’t know how to tell them that I really am. That I have done nothing to help my parents… I’ve just laid here, depressed, and drowning, day after day after day. 

And now that someone wants to save me…I don’t know how to let him.