My mother’s dreams…

When I was little, my mom wanted to pretty much make me famous…she dragged me everywhere. My dad was always away for work, so it would be me, my mom, and all these activities. I had dance classes, singing classes, drama club, poetry recitals, stage performances here, commercial parts there (this is all in Bangladesh, I did commercials for an egg company, DONT ASK WHY). One day some art teacher saw me draw, told my mom I would be a great artist, so she enrolled me in art classes too. She thought religion was also important, so she had someone come home to teach me Arabic, along side someone else who already came to teach me math. She had this dream to make me a star. An “all rounder”. So I could be the best in the neighborhood, best in everything. She wanted me to shine, and she often brags about how good i was at everything I did, but thats just mom talk. Obviously.

Even if i was a shinning star, I think as years went by, as I grew up…all the mistakes I’ve done, dreams i’ve lost, all the failures I’ve dealt with…took all that shine away. My mom probably doesn’t love me any less, but I also never ended up being her dream come true.

I never asked her how she felt about it. I never asked her what she thought about me not continuing any of those talents she worked so hard on teaching me. I still danced all throughout high school, but health issues got in the way. I stopped singing in high school too, i SUCK at it in any other tone other than alto. Stopped acting in middle school, even tho I was “good”, I didn’t enjoy it. Plus for a girl to continue in “entertainment” is legit no no anyways.  I stopped painting, i did a few pieces for the home, and I have a sketch pad now which I love, but its pretty personal.  I wrote a lot of poetry, and after my mom having to practically beg, i let a publishing house publish some of it too, but for personal reasons I stopped publicly writing them as well.

And for my mom it was simply important that i “shine”, that Im different, that I stand out amongst the others…in any way possible. But I slowly stopped doing everything.

A few years back I organized a show in college with the organization I was vice pres of, and donated money to Walk for Water, a company/org that provides access to water in India, Bangladesh, and Africa. My parents amongst all my other family came to see the show. Throughout, I was on stage several times for speeches/ intros/outros….

After the show, my mom came up to me and told me she was glad to see me on the stage again, and it doesnt matter if I was a performer or not, I was still “star of the show”, and she’s proud.

That meant a lot to me….but I still think there was something missing. That I completely didn’t make her proud just yet. That there is still more that I have to do to shine for her.

When I look at the sky, and I see stars shinning, I compare them to all the people i know, doing great things, being great people, and making their parents proud. And I wish I was one of them. At least For my mom.